TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from spot. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have One more area the place American Adult men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Everybody a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Room, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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